Living life with steps of faith

I'm angry at infertility.  Tonight I learned that a couple who were married the same weekend as my husband and I are getting divorced.  They too were unable to have children.  I'm angry at infertility. Tonight I was asked by a stranger if I have any children.  I plainly answered "not any on earth."  The person got silent and turned towards another person to converse.  It struck me that I answered so matter of fact, without any emotion or thought.  It also struck me that there were many other ways I could have answered, but for some reason that is how I chose to answer.  I'm angry at infertility. This past week I went to the eye doctor.  I shared with her how when I was grieving our baby this spring I found yellow or warm light irritating.  She shared how many veterans with PTSD identify with this sentiment.  She recommended blue-tinted glass lenses.  I'm angry at infertility. My sister commented on how I have about sixty...

Deep sigh.  This Christmas I received a devotional book written by a highly respected Christian author.  Coincidentally the devotional book starts in 1 Samuel, which is where I am picking up my slow and steady read through of the Bible this calendar year.  Interestingly, someone I didn't expect mentioned reading a devotional written by this same author just yesterday.  So I finally made myself read from the devotional, even though I don't agree with the author's interpretation of the story of Hannah. There is a part of me that wants to proclaim that no one who has never experienced the crisis of childlessness should be allowed to interpret this text or any other related to the life of a barren biblical matriarch.  But this wouldn't be fair, because logically it would mean that none of us would be allowed to interpret any section of Scripture for which we aren't personally familiar. Yet, it is painful to read the author criticize Elkanah's response, wit...

Wrote this a while back... The Infertility Rap: You think it is ‘bout baby lust – You R partially wrong – it is much more – Social circles, legacy, old age plan – Who will take care of me, Holidays and High School football games & no excuse to see a Disney movie; It’s ‘bout little girls playing w/dolls Who never grow up to be called mom & not having an answer when someone asks you ‘bout your kids, Its broken dreams & Love unseen & Missing family photographs. It’s about grief without a RIP, Timed intimacy & meds; Awkward questions, awkward answers, Awkward moments – too bad! You see infertility Is about more than just Not having a baby It is reoccurring grief & A future not conceived.

As my husband and I go through more intensive fertility care treatment, the reality that only God creates life becomes an ever more present reality. We can only work together with the medical team to create a more conducive environment for life to begin. The same can be said in other aspects of our lives.  The church, for example, can only create a more conducive environment for conversion and spiritual growth.  We can create an environment that acts as a stimulus for spiritual life, but only God can spark and grow that life! Paul writes to the Corinthian church as captured in our Bible, "I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. For we are co-workers in God's service; you are God's field, God's building." (1 C...

Last Sunday I preached on Making Changes. The item that most caught my attention was the idea of taking one day at a time and asking God for that one item to do today.  Living into this new idea of a future that is unknown and could possibly be childless is much simpler when it is taken one day at a time, one action step at a moment.  What habits have I started as a result of my infertility that need to be changed?  How do I trust God with today and not even worry about tomorrow?  The result has been quite refreshing!  Instead of trying to figure out how to live as a childless adult (even though that is what I have been my entire adult life!), I ask how am I to live today? That simple question opens up a world of possibilities and over the last week it has revealed what an incredible gift it is to be a pastor and to have the privilege of being able to listen to the stories of the "least of these."  The more simple people who live life from the perspective ...

In the Bible we are instructed to give thanks in all circumstances. There is a point of obedience to that instruction, but there is also a point of authenticity in obedience to that instruction.  I can give thanks for this time of infertility, but I can also be grateful for it. Last night, for the first time I gave thanks and meant it. The gift of childlessness has opened up a wide variety of possibilities for me and my husband regarding our future life together.  Just as marriage for some can interfere with their fulfilling many purposes in life, whereas for others marriage opens up the opportunities for ministry.  So to both having children and not having children create two different routes for ministry and life. As a couple we can use this period of our lives to pay down our debts, build a solid foundation for our marriage, and prepare for the adventure that awaits us in the next stage of life.  And I have to admit that this sounds quite exciting! Rather...

The fourth healthy life choice is to come clean.  The idea is to think about the people you resent, fear, or have trouble with and then to reflect upon the cause, effect, damage, and your role in all of that.  This process can be quite healing as it allows us to purify our hearts which brings joy and freedom. I think though that this healing choice is pretty automatic in the journey through infertility.  Infertility for many makes you super aware of your humanity and the weaknesses of that humanity.  If you take any hormonal drugs, you become acutely aware of this, as does your spouse, close family, and co-workers. And because of the grief cycle, in your sadness and anger you have to face head-on these menaces of your past.  And yet on the journey through this you hurt more people and are hurt in new ways.  You begin to resent the super-fertile who are unable to take care of their legacy on this planet.  Yet, you still have to face that resentmen...

"I'm convinced: You can do anything and everything. Nothing and no one can upset your plans...   I admit it. I was the one. I babbled on about things far beyond me, made small talk about wonders way over my head...   I admit I once lived by rumors of you; now I have it all firsthand--from my own eyes and ears! I'm sorry--forgive me. I'll never do that again, I promise! I'll never again live on crusts of hearsay, crumbs of rumor." - Job in response to God (The Message, excerpt from Job 42:1-6)   "He will ask me not to treat you as you deserve for talking nonsense about me, and for not being honest with me, as he has." - God addressing Job's "consoling" friends (The Message, excerpt from Job 42:7-8) How does a minister talk of God and address people's questions when God is a mystery? I think the answer somewhat lie in Job's earlier response, even though he apologizes for speaking too much.  In Job...

Before I start, I must admit that I want to skip this Fertile Journey Through Genesis.  I feel like I have moved on from the place where I was when I first read through Genesis and found it so theologically transformative in my own personal journey.  Going back through it hasn't had the same affect and thus I am lacking motivation.  Yet when I pick up my Hebrew Bible to begin reading Exodus I feel frozen by a sense that I am to return once again to Genesis. Thus I continue... It is always the one thing that you can't have that you desire.   God created this beautiful garden and told the woman and man they could have anything they wanted to eat in it, except the fruit on this one plant.  I think that is how the journey through infertility feels like for so many people.  It is just the one thing keeping them from their perfect life. And then comes the temptations and the woman's drive to attain a pregnancy.  Her husband goes along with her because ...

What does this mean? Jesus words as he is walking towards the cross. "Jesus turned and said to them, 'Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for me; weep for yourselves and for your children. For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the childless women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!' Then '"they will say to the mountains, 'Fall on us!' and to the hills, 'Cover us!'"' For if people do these things when the tree is green, what will happen when it is dry?'" - Luke 23:28-31

I have to admit that this is the step thus far that is probably the hardest for me to get excited about because it is the one I am most familiar with. "Letting Go" has been a theme in my life, partly because it can be so difficult for me, but mostly because it has created the most transformative moments in my faith journey thus far.  I think it is essential for us as Christians to learn how to really let go and give everything to God through Jesus! I think I've preached this sermon more than a handful of times.  Thus, oddly I'm a bit bored with the idea. Isn't that sad?  So the question becomes how do I relay this message with just as much passion as I did at first? Perhaps, by letting go? This blog post though isn't about sermon writing, but instead it is about the journey through Celebrate Recovery's Healing Choices Infertility Style. Thus, I will respond to the questions as I have with previous chapters/choices. So I have to begin with a confessi...

As evidenced by my recent blog posts, I've been pretty happy of late.  But this evening as I put my elementary age house guest to bed and said my final "good-night" I felt an incredible and unexpected let down.  I went to iron my clothes for Sunday worship and wondered why I all of a sudden felt a sadness and lack of motivation that had been missing over the past week and a half.  And then I realized why. For the last week and a half I have been looking forward to this guest's stay.  I've been looking forward to "playing" mom.  I've been looking forward to having a routine with meals at set times and being able to use my creative juices to be a good hostess for this child.  As I tucked her in unconsciously my soul recognized that this fictitious role would end tomorrow I could be content in my heart yesterday and today, but this isn't my reality.  The American Girl accessories are all put away.  The children's books will soon b...

Since last week's entry I have found that this idea of recognizing that one doesn't really have control is pretty significant in the journey through infertility.  And it is the desire to have control that the medical "profession" or more accurately the fertility industry takes advantage of to make a profit.  But deep down the women and men on this journey know they do not have control and that is part of why they get so angry at God.  I think angry because of the loss of a sense of control, but also angry because they sense that God has something against them.  This is where the second healthy choice in "Life's Healing Choices" comes in, because it is a reminder that God does care and God wants to help. Isaiah 43:1-3 (NIV)   But now, this is what the Lord says—      he who created you, Jacob,      he who formed you, Israel: “Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;      I have summoned you ...

I think I have finally found my place of peace. Satisfaction and acceptance. No longer a hurricane of emotion troubles my soul. Grief has passed. I can live in the present and accept the future as God has it. I no longer view God's "no" or "not now" as punishment or denial. I'm content with His reply. Like Job behind the Lord Almighty I wasn't there when God created and said let be what let be. This is my life and oddly I'm quite pleased with it. I see now what I have and cherish what is not. It is a gift and it is perfect! I'm satisfied in my soul and heart.  

Early this morning I had a dream that I was in an Avant Garde art class.  The instructor was showing various ways that people have created sculptures that convey meaning.  To illustrate good work the instructor showed how a person had set up three pieces of cardboard vertically and created braces across the pieces.  Then colorful strips of twirling three dimensional paper was draped just so over the braces to create a life form.  As I sat there watching the presentation I was sure that someone had registered me for the wrong class. Then the professor, seeing my confused face, came over and asked me why I was questioning my being there.  My response, "I don't know how to work with clay."  Her response, "you'll find another way."  After class I spoke with this imagined instructor and told her that I had little instruction in art, but there was a topic for which I was passionate that I would like to give sculpting a chance.  She smiled and...

John Baker's book "Life's Healing Choices" offers eight choices we can make to heal from life's hurts, hang-ups, and habits.  Since I am preaching on this for the next several weeks, I thought I'd apply it to this blog and the journey through infertility. “What people, places, or things do you have the power to control?” Part of the reality of infertility is discovering how little control over life one does have.  At first you think you can control the medical decisions that will help you to conceive.  But reality is that even if you go through all of the "right" processes - conception, implantation, delivery & live birth may never happen.  On this journey you also discover that you don't have as much control over your emotions as you once thought.  What you do have control over is your attitude and how you will respond to the negativity you face.  Another hard thing to discover is that your future isn't as much in your hands as ...

"Do you have any children?" "No, but we are blessed." Maria Gocke, director of Adoption Services at Illini Christian Ministries and the wife of a pastor has written an excellent article for Relevant on being a childless woman in the church.  She writes of her conclusion that God is sensitive to the plight of the barren and even in fact has historically chosen them to be a part of God's big plan of salvation. This article reminded me of how Hannah and Rachel, matriarchs of the biblical faith, were blessed to have husband's who adored them.  They were blessed to be a part of the story. There comes a point in the infertility journey that what separates the barren from the biologically fruitful isn't the lack of children, but the acceptance that no one really knows how babies come to be. Every child is seen as a miracle.  The infertile no longer asks, "how," because she knows it doesn't really matter.  Each person's "how...

I sat listening to this woman share her story.  Her job was just a job.  It wasn't that it was unsatisfying, but it wasn't really satisfying either.  Their life was "average" in the sense that nothing stood out as remarkable.  She struggled with her own physical battle with an unseen disease and yet this illness did not define her.  But when she spoke of her children she smiled, not with pride, but with love.  And then I heard the Scripture speak: "There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor.  The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought.  He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children.  It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms.  It was like a daughter to him. Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the trave...

This is a thought still in formation and perhaps it is a bit premature for me to blog as I process it.  I just read an excerpt from Henri Nouwen's book, "The Wounded Healer," that made me wonder if part of the struggle of infertility is a loss of sense of immortality.  Nouwen writes, "When man is no longer able to look beyond his own death and relate himself to what extends beyond the time and space of his life, he loses his desire to create and the excitement of being human."  He also writes, in reference to some thoughts of Robert Lifton, "And how can a belief in a 'hereafter' be an answer to the search for immortality when there is hardly any belief in the 'here'?  A life after death can only be thought of in terms of life before it, and nobody can dream of a new earth when there is no old earth to hold any promises." Infertility can cause one to wonder if anything they do now really has any eternal consequence.  If I am not...

"Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh. The two of them were naked, the man and his wife, yet they felt no shame." (Genesis 2:24-25) A man and a woman together clotheless and unashamed is a beautiful image and a beautiful possibility.  It is also a beautiful reality for the couples who experience it.  Intimacy, vulnerability, unconditional love and acceptance.  Friendship. The image of a man leaving his parents in order to cling to his wife and become one with her is juxtaposed next to the Hebrew concept of "arummim," or being unconcealed / naked.  Beside our relationship with our significant other, there is one other relationship where we have experienced being naked.  The relationship we hold with a parent. Those who raise us are the ones who know us best.  They have seen us at our worst and hopefully proudly celebrate with us when we are at our best.  Our parents are our guar...