I'm Angry at Infertility

I'm angry at infertility.  Tonight I learned that a couple who were married the same weekend as my husband and I are getting divorced.  They too were unable to have children.  I'm angry at infertility.

Tonight I was asked by a stranger if I have any children.  I plainly answered "not any on earth."  The person got silent and turned towards another person to converse.  It struck me that I answered so matter of fact, without any emotion or thought.  It also struck me that there were many other ways I could have answered, but for some reason that is how I chose to answer.  I'm angry at infertility.

This past week I went to the eye doctor.  I shared with her how when I was grieving our baby this spring I found yellow or warm light irritating.  She shared how many veterans with PTSD identify with this sentiment.  She recommended blue-tinted glass lenses.  I'm angry at infertility.

My sister commented on how I have about sixty or seventy children through both my v…

Thirst for Classical Knowledge

For the last few years I have had a great thirst for knowledge.  I've wanted to pick up all of what I missed as a student in the public school system.  Some of it I missed at my own fault.  My theology of the time doubted the faith of my teachers and questioned whether what they were teaching me was true or not.  On the other hand, while my school touted the line "success for all" it defined "success" in achievement, rather than...  funny, I can picture the word, but I can't bring it to mind.  The idea of an applicable grasp of a subject in relation to other subjects and use in the world.

When I worked in Virginia, I was briefly exposed to classical education and a realization that I missed out on learning about the greats!  Actually, that realization started when I was a student at a prestigious university where I realized I didn't know half of what all my classmates were talking about when they mentioned great writers and philosophers.  And then in m…

A new way of thinking about baptism.

As I'm wandering through Revelation 20 and reflecting upon what it means by "first resurrection," I had an interesting thought cross my mind.  Not completely original, because it is influenced by my reading Origen's thoughts on what it means for Jesus to baptize "in the Holy Spirit and in fire," but still a thought that is new to this mind.

When we are instructed to baptize in the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit - what if that is really saying that we are to receive three types of baptism.  Baptism in the name of the Father is belief.  Baptism in the name of the Son is repentance.  And baptism in the name of the Spirit is surrender or the filling of the Spirit!

It's not a miscarriage - it is a baby.

Why "at least you were pregnant," and "I'm sorry for your miscarriage," just don't cut it.

Our baby was real and lived.  Although our child didn't experience life outside of the womb and lived a short life in the womb, our little one was still a life that mattered. When a person says, "at least you were pregnant," they are neglecting recognition that a death has taken place.  This is similar to the person who responds by saying, "you need to get over your desire to have a baby."  Neither recognize that someone died.  "I'm sorry for your miscarriage," can also carry a similar weight.  In our society "miscarriage" seems to minimize the loss, discounting the value of the life that lived and has now passed.  Can we just say, "I'm sorry for your loss."  Or, "tell me about your baby."  Or, "tell me about your pregnancy."  We didn't have a miscarriage, we had a baby who died.  I…

If... then...

"There are 361 references* to the wording, 'If…' in the Bible. The Bible is not only a way of life and the Word of our Lord Jesus Christ, but the Bible is a book of decisions.  'I will do this… if you do this…'  'I will bless you if you….'Even Jesus did not do well in certain places and he moved on and did well in other places. If you follow the decisions God has made for you, then you are going to come out right. But if you don’t follow the decisions God has made for you, then you will encounter turmoil.It is important for us to find ways to turn around and say, 'oops, I went left, but I should have gone right.'" - Daniel Reed, Hope Builders *The exact number of references has not been verified.

#covfefe defined

I'm pretty sure our President meant "C'est la vie" when he tweeted "Despite the negative press covfefe."  See, it would read, "Despite the negative press  Such is life."

Infertility - Out-of-Body Emotional Experience

Sometimes infertility feels like an out-of-body experience.  It is like you are looking at yourself experiencing feelings and hormone changes and saying, "that is not me." Sometimes it seems like other people see emotions in you that you really aren't experiencing and then when you do experience that emotion it surprises you unexpectedly. It is out-of-body, because you say to yourself, "I am not really experiencing this."  At times it seems as others experience your pain more than you do and the pain you really do experience no one else understands.  It is like certain emotions are imposed upon you while other emotions that are real are left unacknowledged. 

We lost our baby and now people express care that is long overdue.  We've been grieving this baby the last five plus years, it just has now become tangible.  It now is real for them in a way it has been real for us all along.

There are some close friends who get it and have been incredibly supportive …