Infertility - Out-of-Body Emotional Experience

Sometimes infertility feels like an out-of-body experience.  It is like you are looking at yourself experiencing feelings and hormone changes and saying, "that is not me." Sometimes it seems like other people see emotions in you that you really aren't experiencing and then when you do experience that emotion it surprises you unexpectedly. It is out-of-body, because you say to yourself, "I am not really experiencing this."  At times it seems as others experience your pain more than you do and the pain you really do experience no one else understands.  It is like certain emotions are imposed upon you while other emotions that are real are left unacknowledged. 

We lost our baby and now people express care that is long overdue.  We've been grieving this baby the last five plus years, it just has now become tangible.  It now is real for them in a way it has been real for us all along.

There are some close friends who get it and have been incredibly supportive …

Modesty - Skin or What's "In"?

Modesty.  This morning as I was getting dressed I was reminded of how contentious the idea of modesty could be at the conservative Christian school I attended as an undergraduate.  It was the young women's responsibility to dress in a way that wouldn't "tease" the young men.  The women were held responsible for protecting the men's morality.  I remember reflecting on this as a student and wondering if the same rules would apply if the school were located in a southern state instead of the cold, wintry north.  I also thought it might be better for us women to desensitize the men from skin so they weren't turned on so easily!

Recently, I've encountered two other reactions to modesty that were different from my college experience. In one, a group of immigrants from a very warm climate of the world were complaining that the public school's dress code regarding modesty was too strict.  One father explained that the clothing his daughter wore was perfectly…

Unplanned pregnancy? Considering abortion?

To the woman considering an abortion,
I’m sorry that you are facing an unplanned pregnancy. I can’t imagine the fear or the troubling circumstances you must be facing.But before you choose to abort, please take a moment to consider what a miracle it is that you are even pregnant!
To conceive a child requires perfect timing.Even when trying to become pregnant, there is only a 20% chance each month we will be successful.Add to that the fact that intercourse must take place in the optimal time frame of the month. Yes, when we ovulate, our pheromones, or the animal scent that attracts us one to another, is at its prime. As is the cervical mucus to carry the sperm to reach the egg. And so perhaps we are more likely to have intercourse when we are most fertile.But that still doesn’t mean that a healthy sperm will reach a healthy egg, that the two will meet, and that the blastocyst (embryo) that is formed will implant into the uterine wall.Statistically it is incredible any of us ever become p…

Who is God?

We don't get to define God.  God gets to define us.  See Psalm 78 & Matthew 13

Interpreting 1 Samuel 1 & 2 - Can a fertile understand it?

Deep sigh.  This Christmas I received a devotional book written by a highly respected Christian author.  Coincidentally the devotional book starts in 1 Samuel, which is where I am picking up my slow and steady read through of the Bible this calendar year.  Interestingly, someone I didn't expect mentioned reading a devotional written by this same author just yesterday.  So I finally made myself read from the devotional, even though I don't agree with the author's interpretation of the story of Hannah.

There is a part of me that wants to proclaim that no one who has never experienced the crisis of childlessness should be allowed to interpret this text or any other related to the life of a barren biblical matriarch.  But this wouldn't be fair, because logically it would mean that none of us would be allowed to interpret any section of Scripture for which we aren't personally familiar.

Yet, it is painful to read the author criticize Elkanah's response, without rea…

2017 Women's March in Washington D.C. - the response of a barren woman.

We live in a culture in which adoptive parents are criticized for "taking" someone else's baby, and yet we march to encourage "freedom" of abortion.  My heart is struggling with the Women's March that just took place in Washington D.C.  On one hand, I'm proud of so many women gathering together to express unity and a desire for good for women across the globe.  I think of how privileged I am as a woman living in the United States.  Even though I may be criticized and come against opposition, I can choose whatever life I want for myself.  Yet in so many places across the world this is not the case.  So, I would march for my sisters who cannot march.

On the other hand, my heart is grieved.  This isn't a statement of lightly banded together words to figuratively express an emotional appeal.  No, my heart grieves.  I am a barren woman.  I desire a child.  And yet the march that took place Saturday, January 21st, 2017 in Washington D.C. represents milli…

The lost baby.

This morning, after two weeks of emotional silence, I decided to quietly share with God that I am angry.  It was a quiet conversation, not the type where you yell at God, because my anger isn't directed anywhere.  In our exchange I was reminded of how in the past I thought it was unfair to David and Bathsheba's child that he had to die because of their sin.  This morning though that story came to mind and the idea that the child didn't grieve because the child went straight to heaven.  An infant that is lost doesn't grieve.  It doesn't seem unfair to him or her because the infant knows of nothing different.  Mother's womb to glorious heavenly embrace of the Eternal Parent.  There is no loss to the child, only gain.