I'm Angry at Infertility
I'm angry at infertility. Tonight I learned that a couple who were married the same weekend as my husband and I are getting divorced. They too were unable to have children. I'm angry at infertility.
Tonight I was asked by a stranger if I have any children. I plainly answered "not any on earth." The person got silent and turned towards another person to converse. It struck me that I answered so matter of fact, without any emotion or thought. It also struck me that there were many other ways I could have answered, but for some reason that is how I chose to answer. I'm angry at infertility.
This past week I went to the eye doctor. I shared with her how when I was grieving our baby this spring I found yellow or warm light irritating. She shared how many veterans with PTSD identify with this sentiment. She recommended blue-tinted glass lenses. I'm angry at infertility.
My sister commented on how I have about sixty or seventy children through both my volunteer and professional work. I responded that I don't get to tuck them in at night and read them a bedtime story. My husband and I don't get to be involved in their lives together. I'm angry at infertility.
Some say that a teenager stops developing at the stage she is at when she gives birth as an adolescent. I disagree. Sometimes it feels like a family stops developing until a member is added to it. I disagree. We just develop in a different way. Sometimes though I feel stunted. I may be growing leaps and bounds spiritually, for which I am very grateful. But life itself can sometimes feel stagnate.
Yet, I am so blessed. I have an amazing husband and a wonderful marriage. My job is great and it has many eternal rewards. The opportunities I've been given to work with kids has filled my heart with joy and increased my love. And even though I'm angry at infertility, I'm also content. I know that may sound impossible to be both angry and content at the same time, but I am. And perhaps that is the most confusing part. Or perhaps that is the part I am most angry about right now. I am angry at infertility, because I am content and happy with my life. I am afraid that when our little one comes I will regret wanting to be a mother. And yet, I know that God designed me to be a mother. My heart is exploding with love to give and it aches to share this love. The more I dish out, the more my heart expands, and the more it expands the more it knows that it is intended for a child who will become part of our family. Ever feel a "cup overflows" with love type of love? I feel it everyday.
And then I am scared that I will give our child too much love. That my love for him or her will be overwhelming. And I don't want that for our child either. I want him or her to know that they are loved, but I don't want them to be stifled by it. And so I am scared.... and angry at infertility.
Tonight I was asked by a stranger if I have any children. I plainly answered "not any on earth." The person got silent and turned towards another person to converse. It struck me that I answered so matter of fact, without any emotion or thought. It also struck me that there were many other ways I could have answered, but for some reason that is how I chose to answer. I'm angry at infertility.
This past week I went to the eye doctor. I shared with her how when I was grieving our baby this spring I found yellow or warm light irritating. She shared how many veterans with PTSD identify with this sentiment. She recommended blue-tinted glass lenses. I'm angry at infertility.
My sister commented on how I have about sixty or seventy children through both my volunteer and professional work. I responded that I don't get to tuck them in at night and read them a bedtime story. My husband and I don't get to be involved in their lives together. I'm angry at infertility.
Some say that a teenager stops developing at the stage she is at when she gives birth as an adolescent. I disagree. Sometimes it feels like a family stops developing until a member is added to it. I disagree. We just develop in a different way. Sometimes though I feel stunted. I may be growing leaps and bounds spiritually, for which I am very grateful. But life itself can sometimes feel stagnate.
Yet, I am so blessed. I have an amazing husband and a wonderful marriage. My job is great and it has many eternal rewards. The opportunities I've been given to work with kids has filled my heart with joy and increased my love. And even though I'm angry at infertility, I'm also content. I know that may sound impossible to be both angry and content at the same time, but I am. And perhaps that is the most confusing part. Or perhaps that is the part I am most angry about right now. I am angry at infertility, because I am content and happy with my life. I am afraid that when our little one comes I will regret wanting to be a mother. And yet, I know that God designed me to be a mother. My heart is exploding with love to give and it aches to share this love. The more I dish out, the more my heart expands, and the more it expands the more it knows that it is intended for a child who will become part of our family. Ever feel a "cup overflows" with love type of love? I feel it everyday.
And then I am scared that I will give our child too much love. That my love for him or her will be overwhelming. And I don't want that for our child either. I want him or her to know that they are loved, but I don't want them to be stifled by it. And so I am scared.... and angry at infertility.
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