My Heart Breaks Again

Four months without tears and my heart breaks again.  Who knew that car shopping could be so traumatic?  Each step forward into a new future is different and it appears that purchases can be painful. My poor husband. I've chosen a car, now lets just buy it and get the process over with now. He wants to wait.  I say, "okay."  It seems he wants to wait to purchase the more expensive one.

Then he suggests we purchase a replacement light for my office.  The light fixture fell down over a year ago and it still hasn't been replaced.  This is suppose to be the nursery. A year has passed without replacing the fixture in hopes that it could be replaced with something more nursery appropriate. I pick out a fixture that is $100 that I could see working for both a nursery and office.  Too expensive. I must admit before this errand began I did agree to buy an inexpensive light that could be replaced when we changed the office to a nursery.  So, I choose one that is $50, I can still make it work for both my office and a nursery.  Nope, he doesn't like it.  He finds one that matches my brightness request for $50 and we buy it.  No, it would not be appropriate for a nursery, but he says we can replace it when the time is right. If the time is ever right...

I am surprised both times by the flood of grief and my bad attitude. How can shopping for a new vehicle and a new light fixture so deeply scrape the wound of my soul? My poor husband. What is he to do?  I am crabby over what seems like minor details.  It is just a light.  It is just a car.  But, it represents so much more.

I think several of my friends are done having kids, meaning the child they are either currently pregnant with or have recently (in the last year) delivered will be their youngest.  Which signifies that we are on the verge of moving out of the child-bearing stage of life.

I sometimes feel like I switched lives with another person - like my life is in a parallel universe and I somehow made the switch and didn't know it. I am blessed in so many ways.  Yet, I have a deep love in my heart for children. I've been given a vision of a child we will have.  And yet I am reminded of so many who have longed to become a parent and never have had that longing fulfilled.


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