Fertility/Infertility - God's Perfect Timing

Sometimes I think we Christian women over-spiritualize our problems.  And if we don't over-spiritualize them we over-emotionalize the spiritual.

I was at a Christian women's conference today.  It seemed as though the answer to all the difficulties in life was to get closer to Jesus.  I know that wasn't the speaker's intent.  In fact, I think the speaker's intent was just the opposite - to cherish the unearned love that God shows towards us.  But in her story she pointed out how her darkest time in life was when she pushed God away.  I think that time in her life still would have been difficult even if she kept Jesus close - because we are human.  She would have just found more comfort, hope, and joy during that time because of her awareness of God's nearness.  But God was near, even when she was unaware.  She just missed out on some of that comfort and those periodic glimpses into the bigger picture of how God was taking her lemons and making them into lemonade.  (Which she did get one incredible glimpse - when she discovered her son's RSV got him the medication he needed to get treated for an undiagnosed lyme disease as an infant, which ended up saving his life.)

Anyways, I am also reading a really great book written for couples facing infertility. The title is "Pregnant with Hope."  Overall, I think it is well-written, but I think it does a similar thing that the speaker did today, which is share stories that give the opposite message of what is intended.  The author  wants to recognize that there is nothing we can do about our infertility.  Yet, in doing so, she basically argues that it is by letting go and fully trusting God that the door will be opened to become pregnant.  So she seems to be saying that it is because God wants to draw us nearer to Him that He is keeping a significant percent of couples from getting pregnant.

Now, I recognize this is arrogant, but I feel as though I have a strong faith.  I don't think God is keeping me from having a baby in order to grow my relationship with Him.  Perhaps my infertility is helping me to better help others or perhaps it is helping some of my family members grow closer, but I don't think my becoming fertile rests on someone taking a step of faith.  It seems like that is over-spiritualizing the situation.  Babies are born every day to atheists.  Babies are born every day to people who have become latent in their faith.  I don't think that is what is taking place.

What I do think is that it isn't yet God's timing and that God has the big picture plan that I can't see.  Perhaps we aren't meant to become parents.  In writing this last sentence, I can hear my friends and church family say, "Oh no!  Don't say that. You will be a great mom!"  But, couldn't it be that God has chosen me to use my motherly instinct in another way?  Then others would say, "God wouldn't give you the desire if it wasn't meant to be."  Well, can't God fulfill that desire in other ways?

It could just be that it isn't God's timing.  Yes, the biological clock is ticking - but when did that ever stop God?  I only have this very, very, very small glimpse of my lifetime and a much smaller glimpse of eternity.  If we are to have a child, God already has a relationship with that child and knows when is the best time for that child or those children to enter our lives.

But trusting God's timing or considering that it might not be meant to be feels like I am really letting God be God, rather than trying to find a way to fix myself spiritually to make it happen.

That doesn't mean that I won't grieve monthly. Nor does it mean that I will stop wondering if I should hold a funeral for my dream and bury the gifts I had purchased to announce our pregnancy to family.  I have permission to feel and be emotional.  But, I don't want to make this into a battle of wits or control between God and myself.  Sometimes tough things happen in life because they happen.  I am a biological being with influential DNA who is exposed to a variety of environmental factors all of which were put together by a combination of God's creative act and humanity's sin.  And yet, God is still sovereign and I trust Him, even when it is hard.


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