Fertility / Infertility Struggle - You are both too busy to become parents!
My husband and I shared with each other last night how we have been both told numerous times that we are too busy to become parents. More specifically, I am too busy to become a mother. This is an interesting statement, because this is part of our personalities. We will always be "too busy" no matter our stage or status in life because that is how we work. God has blessed me with so many hours in a day and I am going to use those hours to the fullest. As my husband says, "you aren't going to not be busy even into your 70s."
What changes is where that busyness is focused. Some would say that becoming a mother would distract me from ministry. But what I suspect is that it will add to my ministry. Being a mother will change me and how I do ministry for the better. Kind of like how becoming a wife has done this in my life. Meeting, dating, being engaged, and then being married to my husband has added a sense of balance to my life. Marriage has also given me life experiences that help me to better relate to situations that I wasn't exposed to as a single adult. I know what it is like to be single, and I now know what it is like to be married. I don't have to experience every experience, nor do I want to, in order to minister in a variety of situations, but there are some life transitions that help. For example, there is a rule that a non-parent can't advise a parent - "because it is different once you become a parent."
But, I am not too busy to become a mother. I just have a non-traditional work schedule. I know I'm not too busy, because I have time to have quality daily devotions with God, time to go on dates with my husband, time to sit down each night and watch TV. I'm not available to "hang out" at the same times other people are available because of my non-traditional schedule, but I am not the only working adult with this "odd" schedule. Doctors, line workers, restaurant employees, and others have a non-traditional work schedule and they are able to manage being a parent. I am also not available to "hang out" because I choose to use my off times to be at home and recharge in my home environment rather than going out to eat and being social with friends.
There is a part of me that wonders if the "you are too busy to become a parent" comment has an underlying "you are a full-time working woman and mother's shouldn't work full-time" or a "you wouldn't work so hard for us" element to it. On the first, I say that I may be a full-time working woman, but I have a mother who is looking forward to taking care of her grandchildren and that non-traditional schedule actually gives me some flexibility in my day in how I plan to time my work schedule with my work-from-home husband's so that we can be with our future child. In regards to the "you wouldn't work so hard for us" comment. My weekly hours range from 34 to 50 hours a week. I don't think that would change if I become a parent. I suspect my congregation thinks I am working more than I am, because whenever they are in the church building I am there. But, for example today, I am working from 2 p.m. until 10 p.m. (8 hours) and yesterday I only worked a little under 5 hours, because I know that I'll be putting in extra hours this weekend. And this weekend's work schedule is unique. It is not the ordinary.
So, this is all to say that the "you are too busy to become a parent" comment seems a bit unfair. But, I realize that it is people trying to reconcile in their own minds why we haven't yet been blessed to become parents. It is their trying to justify how a couple who would make good parents aren't yet. And I am okay with that, I just would prefer that people keep the thought to themselves.
What changes is where that busyness is focused. Some would say that becoming a mother would distract me from ministry. But what I suspect is that it will add to my ministry. Being a mother will change me and how I do ministry for the better. Kind of like how becoming a wife has done this in my life. Meeting, dating, being engaged, and then being married to my husband has added a sense of balance to my life. Marriage has also given me life experiences that help me to better relate to situations that I wasn't exposed to as a single adult. I know what it is like to be single, and I now know what it is like to be married. I don't have to experience every experience, nor do I want to, in order to minister in a variety of situations, but there are some life transitions that help. For example, there is a rule that a non-parent can't advise a parent - "because it is different once you become a parent."
But, I am not too busy to become a mother. I just have a non-traditional work schedule. I know I'm not too busy, because I have time to have quality daily devotions with God, time to go on dates with my husband, time to sit down each night and watch TV. I'm not available to "hang out" at the same times other people are available because of my non-traditional schedule, but I am not the only working adult with this "odd" schedule. Doctors, line workers, restaurant employees, and others have a non-traditional work schedule and they are able to manage being a parent. I am also not available to "hang out" because I choose to use my off times to be at home and recharge in my home environment rather than going out to eat and being social with friends.
There is a part of me that wonders if the "you are too busy to become a parent" comment has an underlying "you are a full-time working woman and mother's shouldn't work full-time" or a "you wouldn't work so hard for us" element to it. On the first, I say that I may be a full-time working woman, but I have a mother who is looking forward to taking care of her grandchildren and that non-traditional schedule actually gives me some flexibility in my day in how I plan to time my work schedule with my work-from-home husband's so that we can be with our future child. In regards to the "you wouldn't work so hard for us" comment. My weekly hours range from 34 to 50 hours a week. I don't think that would change if I become a parent. I suspect my congregation thinks I am working more than I am, because whenever they are in the church building I am there. But, for example today, I am working from 2 p.m. until 10 p.m. (8 hours) and yesterday I only worked a little under 5 hours, because I know that I'll be putting in extra hours this weekend. And this weekend's work schedule is unique. It is not the ordinary.
So, this is all to say that the "you are too busy to become a parent" comment seems a bit unfair. But, I realize that it is people trying to reconcile in their own minds why we haven't yet been blessed to become parents. It is their trying to justify how a couple who would make good parents aren't yet. And I am okay with that, I just would prefer that people keep the thought to themselves.
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