Infertility at Christmas

I just want to go Christmas shopping to purchase gifts for our nonexistent child. My love language is gifts.  I love giving gifts.

Tonight we gathered with our large in quantity extended family to celebrate Christmas. We watched as everyone else opened gifts.  It was quite depressing for the two of us.  The generation ahead of us exchanges gifts with each other.  The generation below us receive gifts from several people.  Our generation exchanges gifts, except those assigned to us in the name exchange live out of town.

Gift giving/receiving is my love language.

I shopped for gifts for some of the kids in our church.  It was nice.  But I didn't allow myself to dream about the gifts we would purchase our kids if we had them.  I had to turn off my emotions to some degree in order to shop.

This is a difficult Christmas.  God has been gracious in providing others to lead worship.  This morning I had a break through for the message for Christmas Eve.  The focus is going to be on the light - significance of light in the Christmas story.

I realized this evening, that even with this sermon topic, I am still avoiding the baby in the manger.

I can celebrate Christ with us.  And I rejoice in that!

But, to focus on the baby.  That is hard.

Tonight my uncle gave me a knowing hug and I showed no emotion.  But then as I drove home I felt the emotion.

I have so much to be grateful for and I am so very much blessed!  My husband and I shared a fun adventure this afternoon that was truly an unexpected gift to both of us!

I know God is gracious and with us.  And I trust God's wisdom.  I know He knows what is best!  And I believe he wants for us to have the best.  Right now, that does not include a child.

And so this Christmas is difficult.

There are gifts sitting in my home that I purchased several years ago to give my parents at Christmas to tell them the good news that we are expecting.  They remain unopened and ungiven.

Did I tell you that my love language is gifts?

So Christmas is an especially difficult time - focus is on children and gifts.  Jesus is alive every day!


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