Fear of Normalcy

I've just begun reading through the facilitator's guide for "The Significant Woman."  I realize as I finish this first chapter that I am afraid of normalcy.  I am terrified of living a normal life.  I feel that if I do, I will have failed.  I will have failed God, failed my family, and failed myself.

I believe this fear comes from a deep sense that I am called for something great.  Is that too arrogant of me? This sense of calling leads me to always be watching for that thing that I am called to do and leaves me with the question "Have I already completed it?"  There is a part of me that wonders if I have already done what God destined me to do and if so, will the rest of life be boring?

Recently I heard a story on the radio about a man who had been respected as a faithful/devout Christian who did not finish his life well.  I fear that too -- not finishing well.

In many ways I think the older I get the harder it is to be a Christian.  As I depart from the "indestructible" and then the "save the world" stages of life, I'm not sure what this next stage will be.  Will I be just normal and if so, why do I think that is such a horrible thing?  Is it because I have never felt  normal and so normalcy will be a new experience? Am I afraid of normalcy because it is the unknown?  Or have I deceived myself into thinking that I've lived an abnormal life where all along I have lived a rather normal life?

I know that people say "what is normal?" or "who is normal?" and when they ask these questions they are making the statement that we define "normal" by who we are and that with which we are familiar. But I've never felt normal and I must admit I'm beginning to feel that way.  It is a bit disconcerting.

I've always been either the odd kid or the successful dreamer, but what am I to be next and who is going to help me on this journey?

I realize that as a pastor being normal is probably a good thing.  It will mean I will better relate to my congregation or those I serve.  But I really can't imagine myself ever truly being able to fully relate with those around me.  I'm an odd duck in popular clothing.  As a teenager I struggled with this identity not fully wanting to embrace it, but then when I became a youth pastor I realized it was better to embrace and even sometimes over-exaggerate it than to deny or even worse run from it.

So, who am I now?  I am in a person in a liminal state (I'm so glad I learned that term - liminal). I'm in between what was and what will be and I have no clue what my identity will be or how I will be formed in the "what is yet to be."  


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