Living life with steps of faith

This is a thought still in formation and perhaps it is a bit premature for me to blog as I process it.  I just read an excerpt from Henri Nouwen's book, "The Wounded Healer," that made me wonder if part of the struggle of infertility is a loss of sense of immortality.  Nouwen writes, "When man is no longer able to look beyond his own death and relate himself to what extends beyond the time and space of his life, he loses his desire to create and the excitement of being human."  He also writes, in reference to some thoughts of Robert Lifton, "And how can a belief in a 'hereafter' be an answer to the search for immortality when there is hardly any belief in the 'here'?  A life after death can only be thought of in terms of life before it, and nobody can dream of a new earth when there is no old earth to hold any promises." Infertility can cause one to wonder if anything they do now really has any eternal consequence.  If I am not...

"Hence a man leaves his father and mother and clings to his wife, so that they become one flesh. The two of them were naked, the man and his wife, yet they felt no shame." (Genesis 2:24-25) A man and a woman together clotheless and unashamed is a beautiful image and a beautiful possibility.  It is also a beautiful reality for the couples who experience it.  Intimacy, vulnerability, unconditional love and acceptance.  Friendship. The image of a man leaving his parents in order to cling to his wife and become one with her is juxtaposed next to the Hebrew concept of "arummim," or being unconcealed / naked.  Beside our relationship with our significant other, there is one other relationship where we have experienced being naked.  The relationship we hold with a parent. Those who raise us are the ones who know us best.  They have seen us at our worst and hopefully proudly celebrate with us when we are at our best.  Our parents are our guar...

When I was in middle school I created a list of 100 lifetime goals.  Using colorful markers and white pieces of computer paper I recorded these dreams of mine for the life that I wanted. In high school I recreated the list, crossing off the few items I had completed. In college, in writing pen, I added several more and removed new achievements. Yesterday, I went to find the list and was unable to locate it. So, I sat down to write a new list and realized how much my adult perspective had shifted things. A hundred goals at an idealistic age of thirteen was no problem.  But now that I have seen the work, patience, and obstacles that must be overcome to accomplish each goal, even creating a list of eight was difficult.  My new list, I suspect contains some of the items on my old list.  "Travel to Italy," "Be in a movie or television series," and "Learn another language."  It also contains some new ones, with lengthy clauses, "Have the entire house c...

One of the adoption agencies in our state gives potential adoptive parents the option of being listed in one of two notebooks.  The first book is for those who are open to any child, no matter the biological parents' race or the child's expected gender.  The second book is for those who are specific in regard to whether or not they want their child to be a certain gender or if they want the child to possibly look like their potential adoptive parents.  Two books - two options - two routes for adoption. In preparing for a small group Bible study at my church I came across a question that asked about the difference between God's covenant of grace with the Hebrews and God's covenant of grace in Christ Jesus.  As I read this question, it really struck me that these two covenants are very similar to the two notebooks in this adoption agency's office.  God's covenant with the Hebrew or Jewish people is quite similar to the second notebook, where adoptive paren...

I've had more than one conversation with the mother of a woman who is currently barren.  I have found that mother's just don't know what to say to their daughters and often find that whatever they say is hurtful.  It is hurtful, because one's mother is the symbol of motherhood to the woman who is grieving in barrenness.  You are the symbol of everything she wants to be and everything she doesn't want to be.  You are her reference point for not only motherhood, but womanhood as well.  The idea of motherhood was formed in your daughter's mind as she grew from a childhood playing with dolls to adulthood by watching you. So that is why she hurts so much more deeply by things you say.  She has disappointed the image or expectation of motherhood in her life which you embody.  Of course she wants to go screaming away from you, even more so because she adores you - take it as a complement.  She may want the chance to have the relationship that you had w...

I've completed my work on this infertility journey.  I've: been open to the various possibilities for becoming a parent worked through my past hurts and pains, as well as my future fears believed fully that God can create life despite the obstacles sought the best medical advice and care advocated on behalf of other women and men found ways to minister to others participated in a support group and met with a professional counselor helped other clergy and people to become aware of the crisis of infertility relaxed and taken a break from caring experienced the various stages of grief accepted and considered what life could be like childless I am not giving up in making this statement.  I just feel that I am done doing the work on my end of things.  Now it's just the continued waiting game. Doesn't mean my heart won't hurt, tears won't occasionally flow, or that I won't relive stages of grief from time-to-time.  It doesn't mean that I won...

I feel like my brain is being re-wired.  Actually, whenever I read God's word I feel the fresh breath of the Spirit's wind cleansing out my mental cobwebs and giving me new clarity of thought.  But, today I have to admit a courage-giving movement of the Word in my life.  I return to what I knew, but with greater buy-in and more depth of understanding. Infertility can strike the core of one's gender identity.  Doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman - there is a part of your femininity or masculinity that is attacked.  Part of the healing process is a restoration or a new creation of that identity.  What does it mean to be a woman whose womb doesn't seem to work?  What does it mean to be a man whose arrows miss the target?  Our culture is over sexualized.  I think that is one reason that homosexuality gets so much attention - we care a little to much about our gender as it is related to our sexuality. We overemphasize this character t...