Living life with steps of faith

Why "at least you were pregnant," and "I'm sorry for your miscarriage," just don't cut it. Our baby was real and lived.  Although our child didn't experience life outside of the womb and lived a short life in the womb, our little one was still a life that mattered. When a person says, "at least you were pregnant," they are neglecting recognition that a death has taken place.  This is similar to the person who responds by saying, "you need to get over your desire to have a baby."  Neither recognize that someone died.  "I'm sorry for your miscarriage," can also carry a similar weight.  In our society "miscarriage" seems to minimize the loss, discounting the value of the life that lived and has now passed.  Can we just say, "I'm sorry for your loss."  Or, "tell me about your baby."  Or, "tell me about your pregnancy."  We didn't have a miscarriage, we had a baby who died.  ...

This is a thought still in formation and perhaps it is a bit premature for me to blog as I process it.  I just read an excerpt from Henri Nouwen's book, "The Wounded Healer," that made me wonder if part of the struggle of infertility is a loss of sense of immortality.  Nouwen writes, "When man is no longer able to look beyond his own death and relate himself to what extends beyond the time and space of his life, he loses his desire to create and the excitement of being human."  He also writes, in reference to some thoughts of Robert Lifton, "And how can a belief in a 'hereafter' be an answer to the search for immortality when there is hardly any belief in the 'here'?  A life after death can only be thought of in terms of life before it, and nobody can dream of a new earth when there is no old earth to hold any promises." Infertility can cause one to wonder if anything they do now really has any eternal consequence.  If I am not...

I've completed my work on this infertility journey.  I've: been open to the various possibilities for becoming a parent worked through my past hurts and pains, as well as my future fears believed fully that God can create life despite the obstacles sought the best medical advice and care advocated on behalf of other women and men found ways to minister to others participated in a support group and met with a professional counselor helped other clergy and people to become aware of the crisis of infertility relaxed and taken a break from caring experienced the various stages of grief accepted and considered what life could be like childless I am not giving up in making this statement.  I just feel that I am done doing the work on my end of things.  Now it's just the continued waiting game. Doesn't mean my heart won't hurt, tears won't occasionally flow, or that I won't relive stages of grief from time-to-time.  It doesn't mean that I won...

I feel like my brain is being re-wired.  Actually, whenever I read God's word I feel the fresh breath of the Spirit's wind cleansing out my mental cobwebs and giving me new clarity of thought.  But, today I have to admit a courage-giving movement of the Word in my life.  I return to what I knew, but with greater buy-in and more depth of understanding. Infertility can strike the core of one's gender identity.  Doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman - there is a part of your femininity or masculinity that is attacked.  Part of the healing process is a restoration or a new creation of that identity.  What does it mean to be a woman whose womb doesn't seem to work?  What does it mean to be a man whose arrows miss the target?  Our culture is over sexualized.  I think that is one reason that homosexuality gets so much attention - we care a little to much about our gender as it is related to our sexuality. We overemphasize this character t...

The beginning of the story of the marriage of Jacob and Leah, captured in Genesis 29, is an interesting one.  I am not intending to write this as a seminary trained theologian, but rather as a person who is reflecting and de-tangling a biblical narrative. I find it interesting that Jacob uses his father's poor eyesight in order to gain his blessing.  Then his uncle uses Jacob's own poor "eyesight" to attain a blessing for his oldest daughter Leah.  I know there is debate about the meaning of the Hebrew adjective that describes Leah's sight, but what if it points to a form of blindness?  Wouldn't that be appropriate?  Jacob deceives his father taking advantage of his dad's difficulty in sight and as a result Jacob is deceived into marrying someone who has difficulty of sight?  And the purpose of both deceptions is to attain a blessing? And then this one sentence, stops me: "When the LORD saw that Leah was unloved, he opened her womb, but Rachel w...

My parents asked about choosing a nursing home for my grandparents - and this is what I wrote in an email in response: Hi Dad, Mom mentioned that grandpa fell last night and that you are interested in learning more about nursing homes.  I think the most important thing is to include grandpa & grandma in the process of choosing a place and to make that decision when they are still able to make it for themselves. I'm sure they have heard stories from friends that will influence where they want to be or where they don't want to be.  Just schedule visits to two or three places with them.  Each place handles costs, insurance, and finances differently - so you just have to go and visit and schedule a meeting with their entry people. I would make sure a sibling who is over the age of 65 and personally acquainted with medicare attend this meeting, alongside whichever sibling is going to be the key contact person if grandma and grandpa decide to m...

Today as I was doing research on a passage from the gospel of John I came across this quote from Chrysostom that caught my attention. He writes, "Don't be amazed that I bring you to what is profitable for you by way of such sorrow, since even a mother, to become a mother, passes in a similar way through pain." (Homilies on the Gospel of John 79.1) I am not sure yet where our journey of infertility will lead us, but if it is to adoption, I will know that I did not miss out on the birth pains of pregnancy or delivery.  They just came to me in a different way. So if you are reading this and you are an adoptive mother - know that when women start sharing their delivery stories, you have one too!  You were in delivery for 5 years, 7 years, 10 years, 18 years (you know how long). Your contractions happened on a monthly basis, sometimes they were more painful than others.  You were never quite sure when you would finally give birth or whether or not the result would be a li...

One of the things I am realizing about the fertility struggle in Christian circles is that there is a lot of focus on "getting right" with God.  Underlying this notion is the idea that one can "earn" her fertility or the idea that God is "waiting" until the person learns some important lesson or draws nearer to God.  I first heard it when a friend shared how if her husband just got closer with God, then they would become parents.  Then I read a book written for Christians struggling with fertility and the overall mood was that this time of infertility has the purpose of drawing us closer to God.  But this logic doesn't work for three reasons: 1. Not everyone who has kids has a close relationship with God!  People everywhere have children and they are not all believers.  There are many very strong, devout Christians who have not been blessed to become parents.  The evidence doesn't support this logic. 2. Much of the time, this isn't how God...

--> Sermon: Love - Romance/Eros                                                           Scripture:  Song of Songs 1:1-4a, 4:9-10, 6:3a, 8:4                                     "A man was reading his paper early one morning at the breakfast table. His wife came over to him and patted him on the shoulder. She looked at him, smiled, and said, “I bet you don’t know what today is, do you?” He looked at her and said, “Of course I know what day it is!” and went back to reading his paper. He didn’t have a CLUE what day ...

"The Fault in Our Stars" is a brilliantly written book. I especially like how author John Green uses "The Fault In Our Stars" as the resolution to the abrupt ending of "An Imperial Affliction." You could say it is a meta-narrative.  "An Imperial Affliction" ends abruptly mid-sentence, representing the death of the main character but also the fullness of life of all characters.  It's fictional author Peter Van Houten is unable to finish the stories of the other characters, because he is unable himself to finish his own story.  He is as the Dutch Tulip Man, a con, a lover, and a possibly good man, who is stopped mid-track by the death of Anna.  For Peter, life ended when his daughter's life ended. There can be no more to the story.  His inability to even imagine a continuation, except for the hamster, matches with his inability to live past his own tragedy.  "The Fault in Our Stars" offers another answer.  In the midst of the h...

A highlight of my week is often visiting the alcohol and tobacco shop located next door to our church.  Every time I go I am met with an unexpected and pleasant surprise.  One of the employees has decided that I am the store's pastor and that it is my responsibility to come by each week to bring a little Jesus into the store. Today when I went, it must have been in the midst of a shift change, because several employees were behind the counter.  One of the men who I am getting to know introduced me to another man as "the padre I've been telling you about, the one at the church next door."  This then started an entire conversation with employees asking where the church was because they hadn't remembered seeing one next door.   Our church is currently meeting in two connecting store fronts in a strip mall.  We don't yet have a traditional sign, so many people don't yet know we are there.  It is only by our relational presence in the community tha...

I struggle with these verses. "I was young and now I am old, yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken or their children begging bread. They are always generous and lend freely; their children will be a blessing." Perhaps it is because I define "righteous" from a New Testament perspective - as Christ makes all believers righteous.  Perhaps it is because I define "forsaken" too loosely and include in that definition "treated unjustly."  Perhaps it is because I wonder if the opposite is true, that if we see one who is forsaken or their children are not called "blessed" this verse indicates that indeed the parent isn't as righteous as s/he seems.  More likely I struggle with these verses because I wonder how they apply to a relative of mine who has been through a lot, yet has always been a person who is generous and lends freely... a person who acknowledges God's will and gives God honor even in Job-like moments. I supp...

So this blog is a blog of personal bewilderment.  Everyone is pregnant! Yes, indeed they are.  Let's see: Of my two best female friends - one is already a mother & the other found out this spring that she is carrying a little one in her womb.  I'm so glad that she was the first person to tell me that she was pregnant. Then there is our couple's small group leaders - they are expecting their first. Next up, is my closest guy friend from seminary - his wife is expecting. Then my best guy friend from middle school through high school - his wife is expecting. Then there is one of my closest clergy friends - she is expecting.  In fact she told me she was pregnant when I called her to confirm that she wasn't.  Everyone else was expecting - so why shouldn't she? Then there is one of the women from seminary who was my theology partner.  She recently announced that she is expecting. My roommate from college called to tell me she is pregnant. And today ...

“Generation after generation stands in awe of your work; each one tells stories of your mighty acts.” – Psalm 145:4 (The Message) “You should write that down.” How often do I hear those words? I tell a story about a way I have witnessed God in either my life or someone else’s and I get the response, “you should write that down.” Why? So I don’t forget? How could I possibly forget? So, I don’t write it down and I forget. One of the gifts of faith that can be passed down from generation to generation are the stories about our encounters with God. These stories are powerful and they are part of our legacy. The stories don’t have to be about something out of the ordinary, they can be quite simple. How I found strength when someone shared a kind word at just the right time. About that job promotion that was unexpected, but much needed. Or that moment when I witnessed a red full moon for the first time and just knew that God exists. They are stories about why we believe, why we worship...

Yesterday, an Amber Alert was posted for one of my relatives. As a family we talked to his school, tried to contact as many friends as possible, explored the possibilities of where he might have gone. We were on a search, a search that felt helpless. And then my relative was found and we rejoiced! This morning during my devotional time I thought about what this meant theologically. I was struck with the number of passages that dealt with the lost object or person. I saw how this is a parable of our lives and a message regarding the Kingdom of Heaven. I considered how the search felt so foolish in our sense of being helpless, yet we searched nonetheless. What does it mean for the shepherd to leave the flock to go after the one wandering sheep? What are the risks of doing so? How does this make the shepherd vulnerable? Why does the one animal value so much? We were sitting around family Christmas when we learned the news. We are a very large family - one of us was missing. The Ch...

Fatherhood. This is a word with much power. When we hear the word a variety of emotions and images come to mind, how they are shaped are dependent upon our personal experiences with our own father. In the church, there is a wide range of attitudes toward the title “Father” and its use in the church. There are movements that encourage men “to be men” and other movements that strive for gender equality and sensitivity in addressing God as Father. I suspect that there is a profound reason for God choosing to reveal Himself as “Father.” Perhaps God knew just how much this role would need to be redeemed. According to the U.S. Census Bureau’s 2004 Current Population Survey Report “Household Relationship and Living Arrangements of Children Under 18 Years, by Age, Sex, Race, Hispanic Origin,” 23.6 million children (that is basically 1 in 3 children) in the U.S. are “orphaned” by absent biological fathers. The absence of a father makes it 5 times more likely that a child will grow up in ...

What if we have it all wrong! What if by making Sunday into our day of worship, we have gotten in the way of people living their lives as an act of worship? What if we truly are to rest on Sunday? What if a better form of corporate worship can be found in festivals, special services of forgiveness or prayer, and community sharing? Could we make something like this work in our culture? (Exodus 23:12, 17)

"In the beginning..." Today I started reading through the Bible, Creation to the Throne of God. In just about 5 months I will be ordained as a minister in the Christian church. When I met with the pastor of my home congregation to discuss the ordination process, he challenged me to consider how I might spiritually prepare for ordination. One of the ways I decided to prepare was by reading through the whole Bible between now and then. While I was on my intercultural immersion study trip in east Kentucky, I learned a lot about the relationship between humans and the earth. I was reminded of how I am lacking in my appreciation for and understanding of nature. Consequently, I feel led to use the Green Bible as my source of devotion for this time period of preparation. I also hope to reflect upon nature by planting a garden this spring and reading from my undergraduate Environmental Studies book. Today's reading was the story of Creation and Re-Creation through the flood. ...

Recently I became aware of how significantly the absence of fathers in today's culture is impacting society. It is incredible how we can examine nearly any social problem today and find a place where the absence of fathers has had a negative impact on the area of social concern. As a result of this recent raised awareness, I'm going to be intentional about posting on the topic of fatherlessness and fatherhood on this blog. To start, I'd like to direct your attention to a recent blog post by Roland Warren of the National Fatherhood Initiative: http://thefatherfactor.blogspot.com/2009/11/crime-of-fatherlessness.html