Living life with steps of faith

When I was in middle school I created a list of 100 lifetime goals.  Using colorful markers and white pieces of computer paper I recorded these dreams of mine for the life that I wanted. In high school I recreated the list, crossing off the few items I had completed. In college, in writing pen, I added several more and removed new achievements. Yesterday, I went to find the list and was unable to locate it. So, I sat down to write a new list and realized how much my adult perspective had shifted things. A hundred goals at an idealistic age of thirteen was no problem.  But now that I have seen the work, patience, and obstacles that must be overcome to accomplish each goal, even creating a list of eight was difficult.  My new list, I suspect contains some of the items on my old list.  "Travel to Italy," "Be in a movie or television series," and "Learn another language."  It also contains some new ones, with lengthy clauses, "Have the entire house c...

Recently I've come to a place of peace related to my diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  For so long I've not known what to pray.  As a person of faith that has probably been the most difficult aspect - what should I say to God in regard to this diagnosis.  About a week ago, I found the answer.  I let go and released my desire to be a mother to God, recognizing that He may or may not fulfill that desire.  And now I have peace, whether I became a mother or not. I love how Paul and Timothy write in Philippians 4:11-13: "I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength." Before I was praying, "Lord, I trust your perfect timing in making m...

A young man sits dreaming out his window, looking out across the sky at the beautiful sunset and the painted sky.  He dreams of another life and as his mind wanders he dreams of receiving recognition, just once, through the attention of the man his people honor with the title of "emperor."  He realizes that it is just a title, and the man is an ordinary man, but the title still makes this man special and revered.  So special, in fact, that they are willing to move walls and structures in order for people to honor this man.  The boy sits and dreams and imagines this "emperor" as weak and dying and in the midst of his great weakness the "emperor"sends a message to this Chinese boy who sits at the edge of the empire.  To the boy, he recognizes the reality that a thing like this would never happen, but in his fantasy he also realizes that a message like this would never make it to him, because he is too unimportant and too far off and there are too many peopl...

There is something uncomfortable about putting one's New Year's Resolution in writing for the public to see.  I guess it is that sense of accountability that comes from being open about something for which you expect to some degree to fail.  When we start a new year we are often passionate (or at least motivated) to make an adjustment in our life.  For the past several years I've been wanting to focus on "self-discipline" but have not been successful because I have defined that goal to broadly with too many expectations.  Once again this year, I'm going to try to make self-discipline my key word for the new year, except this year, I'm just going to take it one step at a time.  One mini-goal a month.  So this month, my first step will be to keep a regular sleep schedule.  I will be responsive to my body's needs.  Since I usually feel tired at 10:30 p.m., instead of denying my body and ignoring its plea, I will go to bed at around 10:30.  I wil...

No wonder it is so hard for me to slow down! As I've previously mentioned, I am going through the workbook "The Significant Woman" during my daily devotional time.  Today I'm on the part where one discerns her uniqueness.  I like the approach this book takes, as it not only takes into consideration gifts, skills, training, and passions, but also includes relationships, life experiences, and core values. I've just completed the section on life experiences.  I've done a similar exercise before, but what is interesting about this exercise is that it has you break down your life experiences by identifiable age categories.  I feel like I've lived a long and full life already, but when I look at the break-down of ages I see that I fill only four out of the twelve boxes.  I've accomplished a lot in my first 30 years! What is especially interesting about this break-down is that I see that I've been operating at a very fast pace since 7th grade and th...

I've just begun reading through the facilitator's guide for "The Significant Woman."  I realize as I finish this first chapter that I am afraid of normalcy.  I am terrified of living a normal life.  I feel that if I do, I will have failed.  I will have failed God, failed my family, and failed myself. I believe this fear comes from a deep sense that I am called for something great.  Is that too arrogant of me? This sense of calling leads me to always be watching for that thing that I am called to do and leaves me with the question "Have I already completed it?"  There is a part of me that wonders if I have already done what God destined me to do and if so, will the rest of life be boring? Recently I heard a story on the radio about a man who had been respected as a faithful/devout Christian who did not finish his life well.  I fear that too -- not finishing well. In many ways I think the older I get the harder it is to be a Christian.  As I d...

There are times that my arrogance makes it difficult for me to recognize my sins. At other times I realize that things are sins that I hadn't previously recognized as sin. Most of the time though, when I read passages about controlling the tongue, I am convicted of sin. When I was in college the idea of having an accountability partner was a big deal. Staff at our school would talk about meeting with another Christian or a small group of Christians to ask each other questions that would keep us accountable. The problem for my roommate and I when we decided to become accountability partners was that we had no clue what questions to ask each other. The lists provided by the school were not helpful and the questions we created for ourselves were too specific and they touched areas of our lives that we were not yet ready to change. Our hearts were not ready and we had not been given adequete resources. Yesterday I read the assigned lectionary Scriptures for this past Sunday. They ...

"What then shall we say that Abraham, our forefather according to the flesh, discovered in this matter? If, in fact, Abraham was justified by works, he had something to boast about—but not before God. What does Scripture say? 'Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.' Now to the one who works, wages are not credited as a gift but as an obligation. However, to the one who does not work but trusts God who justifies the ungodly, their faith is credited as righteousness." - Romans 4:1-5 (New International Version, ©2010) I am a recovering perfectionist. For the longest time I had trouble understanding God’s grace. As a child I was told that when someone does a favor for me, I need to repay them. These three statements may seem unrelated, but as I read Romans 4:1-5 I know that they are related. So often I try to earn my own salvation. I want to be the perfect Christian. Doesn’t it say somewhere in the Bible that we are suppose to “be perfect...

Tonight God taught me a very important lesson. Over the years when I have "let go, let God" I have handed over aspects of my life to God and said "here God, if you want to take it away, I trust you." But what I realize now is that this is an Old Covenant way of thinking. When Abraham took Isaac up the mountain to sacrifice him, he was ready for God to take Isaac away. But that is not what God did--instead God redeemed Isaac! God redeems! So, to "let go" and to "Let God" is to trust God in what we know to be God's character. God is a giver of life. God redeems. God brings fruit! So tonight I hand over with joy all aspects of my life and I hand over everything with a sense of giving out of my abundance, knowing that God receives this gift and will handle it in a manner that is truly good and life-giving! Tonight I "let go, Let God" knowing that God does and will redeem!

This past week I had a conversation with someone who lived her life driven by her personal goals. I saw a lot of myself in her, and yet there was something distinctly different between the two of us and our manner of being goal-driven. For this friend, she had complete control over choosing, changing, and meeting her goals. No other force was at play and if at any point she would "unfathomably" be unable to achieve a goal, then it would be due to her own inability to choose appropriate goals. The ultimate source of her own life happiness was herself. She needed no one else. In many ways I felt like she was hiding behind her goals. Using them as a barrier to keep people away. But as I reflected more on our conversation, I realized that her goal-centered orientation is more a reflection of her view of the ultimate reality of life. Her god is herself. There is no divine will that is greater than hers. I could be like that. God has humbled me and shown me over and over again t...

This morning as I took a shower I dream about a sermon series I will do once I am the pastor of a church. It was a series that would take place in the summer and the theme would be bio-ethics. I thought about how I would start collecting information in different files for different possible sermon topics, speakers I would have come for an adult Sunday afternoon VBS, and a fun children's Sunday School/VBS curriculum that I could design. Switching between regions of the United States gives me access to whole new kind of resource. My current job has connected me with Christians who are experts in their fields and have learned how to integrate their faith with their work. There is a gift in this. But there is also a gift in my home region and that is a sense of stability and intimacy among a Christian community. In that region I imagine myself doing sermon series that go deeper into one's spiritual walk in a different way. I would still do a bioethics series, but it would probab...

Wow! In the final verses of Job, when the writer celebrates that Job has been blessed with restored friendships, a profitable agricultural business, children, and a long life, special attention is given to his daughters! His three daughters are named and it is mentioned that they were given an inheritance alongside their brothers! This is shocking because the book of Job seems to reference a time before the Mosaic law and the latest possible date of its being penned would have been during the post-exilic age of Israel. This means that one of our earliest monotheistic worshippers of God treated his daughters with the same respect or more than his sons. How is that for a biblical precedent?

As I read Mark 6:30-33 today images of a ministry team full of excitement surrounding their much loved leader came to mind. Much like a group of children reporting to their grandparents about a family adventure or school children reporting what they saw on their fieldtrip to the zoo, the disciples surrounded Jesus, clamoring over one and another to share the details of their encounters with the powerful gospel that transforms lives. And what does Jesus do in response? Does he send them forth to do more ministry since the fields are ripe but the harvesters are few? No, he blesses them and calls them away to a time of retreat in the wilderness. He recognizes that the harvest is ripe and that if his pupils remain where they are they will not have space for rest, leisure, or physical nourishment. Jesus calls the disciples aside for a retreat in the wilderness. He not only cares for their ministries, but also cares for their individual spirits. As ministers of the gospel today, it is i...

2 Quotes from class for me to meditate on: “If you board the wrong train you can walk down the aisle in the opposite direction and still arrive at the wrong destination.” – Deitrich Bonhoeffner. “You can not use the master’s tools to destroy the master’s house.” – Audre Lorde The Bonhoeffner quote is in the context of a minister who planned to join the "Christian Nazi" party in order to infiltrate and bring change from the "inside."

A friend shared this link with me and I'd like to pass it on to you: http://vimeo.com/1553691

Another paper I found while cleaning, explains what I would do if I won a large sum of money: 10% churches Trust fund started for the non-profit youth ministry in hometown - designed to always have an interest of $10,000 to support at least a volunteer ministry in the area College fund set up for the kids who are part of the non-profit in my hometown (see above) Pay off the debt of two of my roomates from college. My sister's college fund Pay off my college loans Create a personal education fund for myself Buy a house Give money to the regional office of Young Life Make a donation to my major's department at the college from which I graduated Contribute to the ministerial education fund of my home church and the regional office of my denomination Start an education fund for my god-daughter Buy my parents a new vehicle and pay off any of their debt Build my retirement fund

When I was cleaning my room and going through some old notes, I came across this list describing how I imagine my future home: Children Spiritual Home Love Active Ministry Lifestyle Our home is a healthy, safe abode for the lost and hurting with a swinging door - people coming and going - no one staying too long Serenity A library (books and dark brown wood desk) Be able to look back on my life and know I impacted someone's life for the better -- they have a positive, eternal life change. Words to describe myself and future spouse: believer, supportive, strength, warm

Memorize the Scripture contained in 7 books of the Bible. I want to climb a mountain. I want to preach in a stadium to a crowd. If the earth is still around, see my great-grandchildren. Be in a movie. Witness to over 100,000 people. See the world: Visit every continent. Continue to grow in my faith. Visit Israel. Visit Egypt, Italy, Denmark, France, Switzerland, Russia, Costa Rica, Vietnam... Live in a Victorian house. Receive a Nobel Peace Prize. Receive an honorary doctorate degree. Get married and have children. Teach. See my god-daughter graduate from high school and college, get married, and have children of her own. Watch her and her family grow up in the faith. Know my friends' children as adults. LIVE - really live life. Be at peace with the movement of life from birth to death and all of the movement in between. Raise my children in the church. Run for President of the United States in at least one state primary/caucus, etc. Be a stay-at-home mom for a while. Love my husb...

I am tired of writing "my" spiritual story and I want to start talking and learning about God's story!

Today, while sitting in class, my hopes and dreams for seminary were renewed. As I listen to my classmates share about their first year MDiv experiences, I am reminded of the reasons I applied for Divinity School in the first place. Ahhhhh. What a sigh of relief to know that my hopes were not necessarily in vain. I am really enjoying spending time with my CPE classmates thus far and really respect my supervisor. I think I have a lot to learn from him, as well as my peers. I am looking forward to seeing what all God has in store for me this summer. I hope that it is a time of spiritual refreshing and nourishment. I also realized today some of the changes that have occurred to me this past year. I think the greatest was a shift from thinking that my life could end tomorrow and living every day as if it were my last to believing in and hoping for a lifetime of life and of the possibility of someday being a great-grandmother and dying of old age. That is a huge shift! The shift ha...