Living life with steps of faith

For the last few years I have had a great thirst for knowledge.  I've wanted to pick up all of what I missed as a student in the public school system.  Some of it I missed at my own fault.  My theology of the time doubted the faith of my teachers and questioned whether what they were teaching me was true or not.  On the other hand, while my school touted the line "success for all" it defined "success" in achievement, rather than...  funny, I can picture the word, but I can't bring it to mind.  The idea of an applicable grasp of a subject in relation to other subjects and use in the world. When I worked in Virginia, I was briefly exposed to classical education and a realization that I missed out on learning about the greats!  Actually, that realization started when I was a student at a prestigious university where I realized I didn't know half of what all my classmates were talking about when they mentioned great writers and philosophers.  And t...

Why "at least you were pregnant," and "I'm sorry for your miscarriage," just don't cut it. Our baby was real and lived.  Although our child didn't experience life outside of the womb and lived a short life in the womb, our little one was still a life that mattered. When a person says, "at least you were pregnant," they are neglecting recognition that a death has taken place.  This is similar to the person who responds by saying, "you need to get over your desire to have a baby."  Neither recognize that someone died.  "I'm sorry for your miscarriage," can also carry a similar weight.  In our society "miscarriage" seems to minimize the loss, discounting the value of the life that lived and has now passed.  Can we just say, "I'm sorry for your loss."  Or, "tell me about your baby."  Or, "tell me about your pregnancy."  We didn't have a miscarriage, we had a baby who died.  ...

"There are 361 references* to the wording, 'If…' in the Bible. The Bible is not only a way of life and the Word of our Lord Jesus Christ, but the Bible is a book of decisions.   ' I will do this… if you do this…'   ' I will bless you if you….' Even Jesus did not do well in certain places and he moved on and did well in other places. If you follow the decisions God has made for you, then you are going to come out right. But if you don’t follow the decisions God has made for you, then you will encounter turmoil.   It is important for us to find ways to turn around and say, 'oops, I went left, but I should have gone right.'" - Daniel Reed, Hope Builders *The exact number of references has not been verified.

Modesty.  This morning as I was getting dressed I was reminded of how contentious the idea of modesty could be at the conservative Christian school I attended as an undergraduate.  It was the young women's responsibility to dress in a way that wouldn't "tease" the young men.  The women were held responsible for protecting the men's morality.  I remember reflecting on this as a student and wondering if the same rules would apply if the school were located in a southern state instead of the cold, wintry north.  I also thought it might be better for us women to desensitize the men from skin so they weren't turned on so easily! Recently, I've encountered two other reactions to modesty that were different from my college experience. In one, a group of immigrants from a very warm climate of the world were complaining that the public school's dress code regarding modesty was too strict.  One father explained that the clothing his daughter wore was perfectl...

To the woman considering an abortion, I’m sorry that you are facing an unplanned pregnancy. I can’t imagine the fear or the troubling circumstances you must be facing.   But before you choose to abort, please take a moment to consider what a miracle it is that you are even pregnant! To conceive a child requires perfect timing.   Even when trying to become pregnant, there is only a 20% chance each month we will be successful.   Add to that the fact that intercourse must take place in the optimal time frame of the month. Yes, when we ovulate, our pheromones, or the animal scent that attracts us one to another, is at its prime.   As is the cervical mucus to carry the sperm to reach the egg. And so perhaps we are more likely to have intercourse when we are most fertile.   But that still doesn’t mean that a healthy sperm will reach a healthy egg, that the two will meet, and that the blastocyst (embryo) that is formed will implant into the uterine wall. ...

We don't get to define God.  God gets to define us.  See Psalm 78 & Matthew 13

Dear Car Salesperson, For the last eleven months my husband and I have been shopping for a car.   We have been eager to buy, and yet we have not purchased any vehicle.   I believe this is due to poor salesmanship of the auto industry.   So, I now offer tips to all car salespeople. ·        Don’t forget to close the sale.   Bring the contract (with the small print) to the customer and ask them how they want to pay.   Yes, even before they have said, “Yes.”     A customer can't pick up a car and carry it through the check-out lane.  The customer has to wait until the salesperson pulls out the contract and asks for the money.  Assume their answer is "yes," and say, "so, here is the contract... how would you like to pay?" The ability to close the sale is an essential skill for a car salesperson!  ·        That being said, don’t ask questions where the customer will answe...

I think there can be a lot more of God, husband, and wife working together to create a baby through Assisted Reproductive Technologies than the Catholic church gives credit.  When a couple is struggling to have a child, they really grasp how much the formation of a human being is the result of God's miraculous work. (Thus, why so many people get angry at God during the grief of infertility and why so many give God the glory when they do conceive after a time of barrenness.)  But when a couple, married or not, learn that the woman has conceived easily after intercourse, conception doesn't have to be viewed as miraculous.  Some argue that IVF focuses on science in place of god.  The same argument could be made about natural, easy conception through intercourse: conception is just the result of the science of the sperm and egg meeting. Talk to anyone working in the field of reproductive endocrinology and they will tell you that they can't make a baby...

A young man is put to death for blaspheming God's name during a fight.  It wasn't the fight that killed him, but his misuse of God's name.  We read about this incident in Leviticus 24 and it serves as the antidote for the famous, "eye for eye, tooth for tooth" legislation. I read the story and I am humbled by the fullness of God's holiness.  I live by grace and sometimes I allow that grace to interfere with my checking myself for sin. How many times have I injured another person and felt justified and even proud?  Have I ever been disrespectful with God's name? Would I have survived during the time period in which the Law was being discovered? I am a good girl, but not that good. None of us really are. Yesterday I had to have a disciplinary conversation with a young girl on my soccer team about something she did that unintentionally caused harm.  She didn't mean it for evil, she just really didn't know any better.  She could have felt justi...

In the Bible we are instructed to give thanks in all circumstances. There is a point of obedience to that instruction, but there is also a point of authenticity in obedience to that instruction.  I can give thanks for this time of infertility, but I can also be grateful for it. Last night, for the first time I gave thanks and meant it. The gift of childlessness has opened up a wide variety of possibilities for me and my husband regarding our future life together.  Just as marriage for some can interfere with their fulfilling many purposes in life, whereas for others marriage opens up the opportunities for ministry.  So to both having children and not having children create two different routes for ministry and life. As a couple we can use this period of our lives to pay down our debts, build a solid foundation for our marriage, and prepare for the adventure that awaits us in the next stage of life.  And I have to admit that this sounds quite exciting! Rather...

I sat listening to this woman share her story.  Her job was just a job.  It wasn't that it was unsatisfying, but it wasn't really satisfying either.  Their life was "average" in the sense that nothing stood out as remarkable.  She struggled with her own physical battle with an unseen disease and yet this illness did not define her.  But when she spoke of her children she smiled, not with pride, but with love.  And then I heard the Scripture speak: "There were two men in a certain town, one rich and the other poor.  The rich man had a very large number of sheep and cattle, but the poor man had nothing except one little ewe lamb he had bought.  He raised it, and it grew up with him and his children.  It shared his food, drank from his cup and even slept in his arms.  It was like a daughter to him. Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the trave...

When I was in middle school I created a list of 100 lifetime goals.  Using colorful markers and white pieces of computer paper I recorded these dreams of mine for the life that I wanted. In high school I recreated the list, crossing off the few items I had completed. In college, in writing pen, I added several more and removed new achievements. Yesterday, I went to find the list and was unable to locate it. So, I sat down to write a new list and realized how much my adult perspective had shifted things. A hundred goals at an idealistic age of thirteen was no problem.  But now that I have seen the work, patience, and obstacles that must be overcome to accomplish each goal, even creating a list of eight was difficult.  My new list, I suspect contains some of the items on my old list.  "Travel to Italy," "Be in a movie or television series," and "Learn another language."  It also contains some new ones, with lengthy clauses, "Have the entire house c...

I feel like my brain is being re-wired.  Actually, whenever I read God's word I feel the fresh breath of the Spirit's wind cleansing out my mental cobwebs and giving me new clarity of thought.  But, today I have to admit a courage-giving movement of the Word in my life.  I return to what I knew, but with greater buy-in and more depth of understanding. Infertility can strike the core of one's gender identity.  Doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman - there is a part of your femininity or masculinity that is attacked.  Part of the healing process is a restoration or a new creation of that identity.  What does it mean to be a woman whose womb doesn't seem to work?  What does it mean to be a man whose arrows miss the target?  Our culture is over sexualized.  I think that is one reason that homosexuality gets so much attention - we care a little to much about our gender as it is related to our sexuality. We overemphasize this character t...

I am inspired by Anouk Wipprecht who is part of the Intel Edison team. As a scientist and an engineer she has found ways to express her femininity rather than wear the clothing of the male majority in her field. Not that doing so would have been a bad thing, but it takes confidence to become the "Hardware Couture." One woman who has inspired me like Anouk in my own field is Kathleen Kline Moore . She is a pastor in Virginia who is very graceful and embraces her role as mother, classical dancer, caregiver for the impoverished, and pastor.  I hope that I can be a role model for young girls and women who enjoy playing dress up and decorating with roses and lace who also feel called to the pastoral ministry. I desire to be a tool for God growing the Kingdom on earth and I hope that I can be part of our church becoming a healthy and constantly growing role model for churches in our state. There are so many women in the Bible who are inspirational: Phoebe, the pastor at C...

The beginning of the story of the marriage of Jacob and Leah, captured in Genesis 29, is an interesting one.  I am not intending to write this as a seminary trained theologian, but rather as a person who is reflecting and de-tangling a biblical narrative. I find it interesting that Jacob uses his father's poor eyesight in order to gain his blessing.  Then his uncle uses Jacob's own poor "eyesight" to attain a blessing for his oldest daughter Leah.  I know there is debate about the meaning of the Hebrew adjective that describes Leah's sight, but what if it points to a form of blindness?  Wouldn't that be appropriate?  Jacob deceives his father taking advantage of his dad's difficulty in sight and as a result Jacob is deceived into marrying someone who has difficulty of sight?  And the purpose of both deceptions is to attain a blessing? And then this one sentence, stops me: "When the LORD saw that Leah was unloved, he opened her womb, but Rachel w...

"Brothers and sisters, we don't want you to be unaware of the troubles that we went through in Asia.  We were weighed down with a load of suffering that was so far beyond our strength that we were afraid we might not survive.  It certainly seemed to us as if we had gotten the death penalty. This was so that we would have confidence in God, who raises the dead, instead of ourselves. God rescued us from a terrible death, and he will rescue us. We have set our hope on him that he will rescue us again since you are helping with your prayers for us. Then many people can thank God on our behalf for the gift that was given to us through the prayers of many people." - 2 Corinthians 1:8-11

Imagine your family has its own mission statement.  It has been written up in an elegant type placed in a frame that was hand chiseled by your great-grandfather and it hangs over your fireplace mantel.  When you look at the statement it gives you the warm fuzzies because you know it is true.  Your great-grandfather (actually several "greats" ago) claimed that it was a mission statement given to him by God and your family tells stories of its fulfillment in each generation. You are a small and very close-knit family.  When you gather for a holy day of remembrance there are only a few in each generation.  Yet you laugh together, enjoy a meal, and take time to worship your God.  Actually taking the time to worship God is the reason that you gather, but it doesn't appear the same as it does for other families.  First each generation gets their chance to tell their own story of God's faithfulness and their incredible encounters with Him.  Then your...

Today I was corresponding with a fellow cyster on this journey about how sometimes I wonder if I were able to go back would I choose to be less open about our struggle.  She and many, many others have chosen not to tell their family, friends, or co-workers about their diagnosis or their attempts to become pregnant or adopt. In many ways I felt like it was part of my calling to be open, to embody the struggle for women everywhere, and to be a teacher or coach for the fertile.  When I "came out of the closet" Christmas 2013, I didn't realize how hard it would really be.  I wanted people who were struggling at Christmas with grief to know that they were not alone and that I as a pastor understood.  I did not expect all of the unsolicited advice and direction which has made the journey much more painful.  Had I not chosen to be open, people would have continued to treat me the same (or at least somewhat), but I would have had the burden of silence.  Or at leas...

Last year it was unlit lights on my Christmas tree. This year it is a stack of unopened Christmas cards sitting on our stairwell.  Didn't quite realize why I wasn't opening them until I came across an infertility blog that mentioned how difficult it is to open Christmas cards.  Each one holds a picture of a happy family or tells the story of kids or grandkids. Some act as a birth announcement. I am fighting the Christmas blues and have been doing fairly well until this last week.  But my husband and I have admitted to each other that we just can't wait for Christmas to be over. And yet, the Scripture that keeps coming to my mind is Nehemiah 8:10: 10  Nehemiah said, “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing  prepared. This day is holy to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy  of the  Lord  is your strength.”  So we will go and enjoy choice food and drinks and try to stay focused on the fact th...

Today as I was doing research on a passage from the gospel of John I came across this quote from Chrysostom that caught my attention. He writes, "Don't be amazed that I bring you to what is profitable for you by way of such sorrow, since even a mother, to become a mother, passes in a similar way through pain." (Homilies on the Gospel of John 79.1) I am not sure yet where our journey of infertility will lead us, but if it is to adoption, I will know that I did not miss out on the birth pains of pregnancy or delivery.  They just came to me in a different way. So if you are reading this and you are an adoptive mother - know that when women start sharing their delivery stories, you have one too!  You were in delivery for 5 years, 7 years, 10 years, 18 years (you know how long). Your contractions happened on a monthly basis, sometimes they were more painful than others.  You were never quite sure when you would finally give birth or whether or not the result would be a li...